Looking for honest critique. Please help?

I dare you to lose yourself in me,


see behind the glass and touch the dark.


Love all, trust none


the skeptic's therapy...


love me, I'll betray you,


I've forgotten how to try.





Misery loves company


so why am I alone,


singing to the edges of the wind?





So I'll lay my head down


and forget about time.


This life is my nightmare,


this life is my lie.


So I'll lay my head down


and sleep.





Desolation sings a dirge


of withered flowers and


cracked paper hearts.


Flame licks at the memory


of ink on a page.





Grass will grow over me


and youth will dance,


never knowing that the rain is my tears.





For I laid my head down


and forgot about time.


Sick of my nighmare,


sick of my lie.


I laid my head down


and slept...





eternal

Looking for honest critique. Please help?
A very melancholy but powerful poem about a disconsolate soul; In the second line, I think "mask" works well instead of "glass", unless you are using a mirror as the image and the "you" are speaking to yourself. On either level, it is great imagery. You have created an outstanding poem. Thank you.
Reply:Good use of imagery!!


I would make more use of present tense


and say


SO I LAY MY Head down..





and forget about time...


I lay my had down


and sleep...etc





otherwise...pretty darn good!!
Reply:Really deep but excellent.
Reply:wow i really like it i mean WOW i think it absolutely wonderfull and perfect
Reply:Wow! Dark %26amp; twisted but soulful and honest. I liked it.
Reply:Wow. I really like this poem. Keep writing.
Reply:i can give no critique because i do not see a thing wrong with this. i am not the best person to find what you are looking for. but i am sure you will find plenty or 'fire' here on Y!A.
Reply:Pretty. Like a cool, late winter morning when it gets just light enough to reveal the grey ghosts of night before they disperse into the day.
Reply:Sounds like teenaged angst...
Reply:This poem is beautiful, but as confusing as life. Why love if you cant trust is what I would like to know. Is your poem meant to rhyme? This is a very sad story, the girl was in love, then she died? is that what it was?
Reply:That has soo many levels to it, Awesome don't change a thing.
Reply:The first stanza (or whatever that thing is called) doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem..I know it does in a way..tone wise the narrator interacting with another person telling them there is no hope wtfe..but then you never come back to that other person the rest of the poem other than that I like it
Reply:I love the honesty but it sounds like a sad poet or someone wrote about depression and loneliness, I had depression I relate to the lyrics.
Reply:Wow, I really like it. You have some great metaphors in there. I can't remember what the literary term is, but I really liked the phrases "edges of the wind," and "the memory of ink on a page." My favorite stanza is "Grass will grow over me/and youth will dance,/never knowing that the rain is my tears." So beautiful!
Reply:Oh my, that is really great. = )


Good job. I loved it.
Reply:Nice poem.





Fun!: http://www.goblinz.net/r/5354
Reply:Wow. Thats REALLY good.
Reply:Exelent, I can feel you in it.
Reply:I think I like the first 3 paragraphs but then it's like you changed somehow. It no longer was about betrayal and loneliness but moe about memories and pain.





I do like the phrase though... "For I laid my head down and forgot about time..."





Though I would have written on something like sick of my nightmare sick of my life so I laid my head down and slept the sleep of eternal rest.





Just some thoughts of mine.





It is a good poem though. Lots we could talk about.

soap opera